I am now in my second week of my new job. Although last week I had training for 4 days I guess you can’t really count that.
I am going through all sorts of emotions as I begin this new journey. Fear is a very real one. Starting over at any age can be a scary thing, but beginning a new job at 53 is down right frightening. I find my mind just does not retain information as well as it did at 25. I feel I have to work harder to prove myself. Maybe that is all in my head, but it’s there. Just as I felt I had to prove to people 32 years ago that I could handle working in a factory, I feel I need to prove to myself that I can learn a new job. Yes, I am afraid I will fail. I’m afraid I will never be able to learn all the mail routes I need to.
Fear has been a motivator to me the last 10 or so years. Slowly the older I get I try to face my fears head on. The more I accomplish my fears, the more confident I become, the more fears I want to conquer. We find out how strong we are by facing our fears.
I’m happy that I am back in a routine. I have been working almost everyday and there is something comforting about being in a routine of getting up at the same time and coming home about the same time. It gives me the kind of structure I need. I had major problems this summer while I was not working to get a routine down. Part of that was because I was having a hard time dealing with all the changes going on in my life.
Guilt more or less paralyzed me for 3 months. I felt guilty for not making money. Guilty cause I had all this time off and I didn’t get much done. Guilt cause I didn’t do much writing which is what my dream was to do when I lost my job. I tried to put on a happy face, but most of the time I felt angry and depressed. I was even having trouble getting excited for my trip to Paris which I had waited 5 years for!
So I am hoping that since I have begun a new adventure that I will be able to find that everything else will fall back into place. Only time will tell if this will be a positive thing. Am I scared? You bet-scared to death. Change is hard and I’ve had enough unplanned change the last few months to last a lifetime.
Life is all about change. Without change we never learn to grow. Now I just want time to get back to life, a new kind of life. One with a whole lot of hair pin turns. But then again how boring life would be if it was just one long straight road?